Medical Meyhem and Memories

I'm so aggravated right now. I probably shouldn't be but I am. I should be supportive but unfortunately I've been down this road before. My mother has been calling my husband last few days. She is having gall bladder surgery. As sad as it is to say, I really don't care. Well maybe I do but for the wrong reasons.

In the past, whenever my mother has had "serious medical" conditions, I have done whatever I could to help her, take her in, support her, etc. We have moved her several times from several states away from where we lived. The last time we moved her, she told me that she was having "serious" health conditions, falling down, getting hurt, saying she had Parkinson's disease. I just couldn't stand the thought of my mother going through a "health crisis". So we moved her from Missouri to South Carolina (where we lived at the time). The drive was long, and we did it in a two or three day trip. Needless to say, I was totally exhausted.

After we got her moved, she stayed with us for a while. She would grunt and moan. She portrayed that it was so hard for her to move. Things was okay for a week or so but my stomach was souring very quickly. After a month, it was time to get her moved out. She took my kindness, and turned against me. She would call our family in another state telling them I took her cane from her. Then she would tell them that I was a bad wife to my husband, and that he deserved better.

My own mother. After watching how she would behave with her so called disease, I noticed when no one was paying attention to her (or so she thought) she seemed to get around quite well. When she knew someone was listening or paying her some attention, she would change her voice to sound weak like she was struggling horribly. She would also portray herself as one who was crippled.

When we finally was able to move from South Carolina, I made up my mind that this would be the last time that I ever fell for her tricks. She would never use me again. She would never be given the opportunity to take advantage of me. After we had moved, she amazingly recovered and was cured from her Parkinson's. Uggghhh really?!?!? Does she honestly take me for some kind of fool.

When she first had told me that she had this disease, I started doing research on it. I wanted to know if it was genetic, what her life expectancy with it was, how bad would things get as it progressed. The one thing I did not find is that one could amazingly recover and be cured from Parkinson's. So when she told me that she was cured, I thought yeah, just another one of her attempts to get some sort of response.

So tonight she calls, leaving a message on my husband's cell phone. She said that she was at my aunt's house and that she was having surgery in the morning. I thought to myself, who cares because I sure don't. I know that sounds heartless but I have put up with her so called illnesses all my life.

The thing that really eats at me is the positions she has put me in concerning medical stuff that some could have been possibly avoided. Things that was done to me. I have horrible memories of medical procedures being done to me. I am terrified of physicians, especially dentists. I am terrified of any type of straps, including blood pressure cuffs. I can't stand how they feel, the pain.

One incident that I remember was when I busted my head open. For those of us who have ever had any type of head wound, or have kids that have head wounds know how badly head wounds bleed. When I was around 3 or 4, I busted my head on a coffee table at one of my uncle's house. They stripped me down to nothing, and stuck me in the kitchen sink. I bleed so badly. My uncle would take his finger, and apply pressure to my cut. Whenever he did this, the bleeding would stop. As soon as he moved his finger, it started back up. So what do they do, a trip to the ER. I ended up dissociating, and watched myself from the ceiling. I saw this little girl, who looked like me being strapped down. She screamed for all her worth. She couldn't get free. They placed a cloth over her face, leaving only the cut exposed. I watched as they stitched her up. When it was all over, the physician told the mother to take the girl home, not to bring her back, and to keep her shoes on her feet.

I feel terror inside writing about that. I keep thinking was this really necessary. Yes, I was bleeding profusely but I also would stop every time pressure was applied. I thought about something that happened with my youngest son a few years ago. He being the climber that he is, fell out of a tree, and busted his head open. I heard him screaming with that hurt scream. He was bleeding profusely. What did I do, I applied pressure. I had my oldest son get me a towel so I could see how bad it was. Once I was able to get the bleeding to stop, I butterflied his cut together with some bandages. Never took him to the ER. I did schedule an appt the next day with his pediatrician to make sure everything was okay. His pediatrician told me that he probably could have used a stitch or two but with the job I did at stopping it, he was pleased and didn't see no further action. He cleaned up my sons cut much better than I could do. I took this as a compliment.

It makes me wonder with the similarities between me, compared to my youngest son if my mother taking me to the ER was really necessary. I have been fed up with hearing how they tied me down, how I screamed bloody murder. How the ER physician told her to take me home, don't bring me back, and keep my shoes on. I never did understand about my shoes being on. Maybe if they would have just did a butterfly closure with some bandaids, maybe I wouldn't have half the fear of physicians.

So what does any of this have to do with my mother's surgery. To be honest, I feel torn. I want her to come out okay, and I'm sure she will. Especially since gall bladder surgery is not life threatening, and are done all the time. What really eats at me is the afterwards. How she will probably go on that she had the worst case of whatever. I've seen this too many times before with her. I don't even want to talk to her. I'm probably the worst daughter on the planet but I'm tired of the drama that she displays.

I hope someone can relate to this. I feel guilt that I should be more caring and I'm not. Then I feel angry because it's like history repeating itself all over. It's like a no-win situation.

Between Hiding and Anger

I have been really struggling a lot. I've been angry. I've also been upset over someone very close to me who is very sick. Then I think about the time of year it is for me. That's a whole different issue in itself.

 

I was thinking about what was going on this time last year. Mother's day came, and it was hard. Also father's day came, and I ended up in the hospital for 3 days. In some ways, I feel myself headed right in that direction. I was also trying to figure out what was going on last year. The 3rd T was leaving her office to work somewhere else. So that put me in a place to find another T.

 

There was something else that took place that I think had a lot to do with me going in the hospital. The summer solstice happened. That may not mean anything but for me, seems that something eventful typically takes place either around the winter/summer solstice, as well as the spring/fall equinox.

 

I remember last year the dread I felt before I ended up in the hospital. Well this year is no different. The only differences is that I'm more aware of the dread. I also have noticed that I want to hide more. I struggle so bad with getting out. It takes everything in me to have to face the world at times. Work is difficult, as well as going to T. Any place else I have to go, and its a nightmare.

 

I don't know what the connection is for me but I know that I struggle so bad. It's like if its not for anger then its because I'm in hiding. Maybe it's because more things are beginning to come out in T that I never thought would. Things that I have been so fearful of sharing because I didn't know how my T would respond, especially after the last T.

 

Today I had seen my T, and by the time I left, I was having horrid pain in my private areas. That pain is all too familiar. Emotionally, I feel like a wreck. I have such a hard time focusing on the things I should be focusing on. I just want to hide, and not hurt no more. I don't think anybody really gets it. I'm not looking for a pity party. I just don't want to hurt anymore.

 

Maybe one day I can get out of the place in between hiding and anger.

Anger Sometimes Sucks

Today, I am having a really hard time. I feel so much anger coming up, and I'm not really sure where it is coming from. I just want to scream but not even sure if that will help. I guess in someways, I feel cheated. I guess I am still feeling leftover junk from mother's day. You would think its been almost a week, and things should be settling down by now but they're not.

 

Maybe this anger I feel is rising from somewhere else not just because of mother's day. I guess that is something I will have to explore in T.

Post Mother's Day and Awareness

I am getting over the effects of mother's day that I wrote about here. I knew it was going to be tough. I felt myself switching, my head would get loud. I really hate that certain days of the year trigger me so bad like this.

Because I knew it was going to be hard, I didn't do a lot of anything. I watched reruns of Frazier on Netflix, which I think is really funny. This was a good distraction. I played a lot of Castleville, which I really love playing. I always get a sense that the little ones like this game as well. One thing I discovered leading up to mother's day was that I had more of an awareness of some of The Others. I think this is progress because I don't really have a lot of awareness.

When I talk about awareness, I am talking about actually making contact with The Others, which for me hasn't been a whole lot of. I know The Others are there. I sense their presence, I hear lots of noise with them. It's when they actually will communicate with me, that is a new awareness for me. The last time that I was aware of The Others was when I was in the hospital, and some of The Others had a meeting on how to keep us all safe. That was back in December.

Sometimes the awareness I have of The Others isn't so good, and sometimes it is good. I have some who are harmful, they say harmful things, and want to do harmful things. I have some who are very protective, and will tell off anyone if given the chance in order to protect us. I have some who are little, and see things only the way a little one does. I have some who hold a lot of wisdom. I have some who hold the pain from the past, whatever that entailed.

I haven't quite figured out how to handle the ones of The Others who are harmful. I know each and every alter I have has a specific "job" that they were assigned to do, even the harmful ones. I think one of the most important steps is getting to know each one of my alters. For a singleton, this may not make any sense whatsoever.

When someone has been "broken" into all sorts of parts, the "main" person or host possibly will not know who all these alters are that were split off from the original. Even though I know that my alters are part of who I am as a whole, to me each and every alter I have is very distinct and individual from each other. I always think of it as a vase that has been broken. Each broken piece still makes up the whole of the vase but each piece is shaped very distinct and individual from the next piece in the vase. It's the same with alters, they are distinct and individual from the next alter within the system. One alter may be depressed, another alter may not feel any pain. One may be very hostile, and another very wise.

I think the most important aspect of having DID and/or being a multiple is learning to gain awareness and cooperation within the system. It takes time to get to that place but it can be done. It is not an easy road. In fact, it is a lot of hard work, a lot of painful processing. The key is not going too fast but pacing oneself so that what is being processed isn't so overwhelming.

Another Semester Has Ended

I recently finished another semester at school. WOO HOO!!!! I was really worried about one of my classes, biology. I was for sure that I wasn't going to pass or at the very least make a "D". My tests results were really awful concerning this class. I did well on the homework portion of this class but when it came time for tests and quizzes, lets just say I bombed them badly. Well thankfully it really pays to do your homework.

So I received my grades, and I was very surprised. I made 2 "A's" and 2 "B's". My "A" were psychology and art, and I received "B" in math and biology. WHEWWWW!!!! My GPA did drop a bit from 4.0 to 3.73 but I'm not complaining at all. That is still the Dean's list.

I was kind of bummed because I wanted to take a few classes this summer. I wasn't able to get a grant for the summer because I went full time for both fall and spring semesters, and received a grant for both. I didn't want to get a loan if I could help it. So I returned my books, and I was shocked how much I was paid. It was more than half of what one class would cost for the summer. So I thought I could use what I made from my book sale, and then pay the rest when I get paid. Works for me.

I'm excited now. I will be taking my last required math class for the summer. If any of you have been keeping up with this blog from the beginning, you know how much I do not like math. This is a precalculus class. Oh, I see no point in this especially when I do not want to get into research.

I had a conversation with my T about the different types of degrees for T's that are out there. I was confused on the difference between Ph.D and Psy.D was. She told me that they was both doctorates but Ph.D had to do with research, and Psy.D had to do with clinical work. Oh, well I can tell you what area I want to focus on, and it sure isn't research. So I think I will be emailing the dept head over the psych dept at the university where I would like to attend, and let her know what I am interested in doing, and see if she has any suggestions.

I'm also excited because I received news that I am getting a full grant for next fall and spring semesters. YAYYYYY!!!! I can continue on my path. I am a bit confused by how many more classes I need to take. I don't know if its 5 more or 11 more. The print out the advisor gave me of required classes is confusing. There is a list in each particular area that I need to take, and I understand that part. But then there is a section that states I need so many additional hours. I guess that is where I'm confused at because it isn't very clear on exactly what I need to take. I guess those 6 additional classes falls under the additional hours section. One advisor said they was electives, blah, blah, blah.

Oh well. I will just continue on my path. I know I'm not going to finish school over night but I also know that I am a lot further along this path since I started. I have to say that it feels really good working towards something, and making progress each step of the way. I also know that I am no longer a freshman but in to my sophomore year. WOW, I can't tell you how good that feels to say that. It also feels kind of weird because here I am almost 40, and I'm a sophomore.

What Mother's Day Shouldn't Be

Today is Mother's Day. I would like to say Happy Mother's Day to all the moms out there.

 

For those of us who struggle with Mother's day, please know you are not alone during this time. I know for myself, mother's day is a very triggering holiday for me. If I failed to honor the one who gave birth to me, then there was consequences to be paid.

 

Last mother's day was the last time I have spoke to my mother. It wasn't because I called her either. She called me. I had been trying to distance myself from all her torture that she has dished out over the years. Mother's day for me is a reminder of what I have had to face. Mother's day for me is a reminder of the continual torture that was done, not so much physically even though that occured as well but more so the mental torture. Mother's day for me is a reminder that my mom never cared whether someone was abusing me, was using my body for what they wanted, or to allow an animal I loved to be killed out of spite.

 

I hate that this particular day brings up a stressful time for me. Inside is very active, and my head hurts. Is it no surprise. If I can just remind myself that I'm a mother as well, and I never have treated my kids like my mom had treated me.

Getting Out The Anger

I wrote my so called letter that my T wanted me to write that I told about the other day on here. It wasn't really a letter but more so just writing out how I was feeling. WOW!!! I can't tell you just how empowering that was for me. I wrote a lot about the individual I was very angry with, and why I was angry. I also wrote about other things going on in my life. I bawled as I wrote. I didn't realize just how much inward emotions were tied into this.

 

Then it came time to read it to my T. Ugggghhhhhhh!!!!! That was so hard. It was hard because my current T is the type of T who reads between the lines really well. She hears what is not being said, and will usually peg me on it. She has some great listening skills. I did pretty good reading what I wrote but there was places that I could feel myself choking up, and I so wanted to cry.

 

A lot of things came out by just reading this. My T honed in on a current situation in my life. I was really frightened of her knowing because the last T ended up letting her emotions get in the way when she found out about this situation in my life. Not only did the last T let her emotions get in the way but she was very adamant about how she felt concerning this situation. I am so glad that not all T's are alike. When my current T asked me about what was going on, I told her I was afraid to tell her. I went ahead and told her because I figured if not now then later. Since I hadn't been seeing her very long then I figured if she was against it, that I would know now, and could just move on if necessary.

 

I took a deep breath and told her about my current situation. She listened, and she finally told me that she doesn't have a problem with it. I felt the biggest sigh of relief. It did bring up questions where she asked about has this always been something in my life concerning this situation. Her questions really prompted my thinking. I told her because I didn't have a lot of memories of my past, it wasn't till the last couple years that I remembered other situations similar to this one.

 

It felt a huge relief that I was able to talk about what was going on in my life with my current T, and not feel like I was being judged. It was a huge relief that whether or not this T agreed with my current situation, she kept it to herself, and not let her emotions get involved. I need a place where I can just vent about things going on in my life that are painful, and not have to worry about being judged in the process. I have always found that if I can talk it through what is going on that I will always make the right decisions. I just need that place to feel free where I can open up.