I am getting to a place in the process of this journey that really stinks. It sucks, its awful, its a pain. I knew one day I would arrive at this place in the journey but to be honest, I am not so sure I am ready for this. I am faced with what my alters are not only saying but also doing.
Until alters are able to express, talk about, get out, process how they came to be, well life will be chaotic for a while. Every alter holds a "job" within a system. Not all alters are good, or kind. I never could understand how I could have "bad" alters in my system. What I am finding out is that the "bad" alters are just as important as the "good" alters. The "bad" alters will possibly be more protective, usually a bully to the others inside, and possibly to the outside world as well. The thing about the "bad" alters is that they took that part of the trauma that the original person couldn't contain, or was too much for them. The "bad" alter may be reenacting what took place so long ago because it is the only way they know how to express themselves or get the pain out. From my understanding of things, according to my T, until the "bad" alters are allowed to have a voice, it will be this way for awhile.
It bothers me that I have "bad" alters who do relive what ever happened in the past. It takes a horrible toll on me. But I also know that when these "bad" alters are allowed to express themselves, and be heard, that things seem to calm down. I have one alter, Alexis, who is very protective. She is 16, and is every part of a typical, mouthy teenager. She does everything in her power to make sure that we all stay safe. She has scared off a T, the 4th T. The T told me she had worked with clients who had DID before, with much success. Looking back, I am really glad that Alexis did scare her off because this T wanted to do particular things as part of treatment that I have been so scared of. This T wouldn't listen to me when I told her that certain places, and people triggered us horrible. So Alexis took care of business. No she did not physically harm the T or threaten her. Alexis sent this T an email. I had no knowledge of what happened till I got an email from this T saying she didn't think it was going to work. I was really confused at first of why the change because I had only seen her twice, and she seemed pretty okay with working with me. She knew I was DID so I just figured that with her proclaiming how good she was, that this would be a good match. HA, that is further from the truth. I had also interviewed her, and felt pretty confident that she would work from her answers she gave.
When I did some investigating, my email file, I found what had been sent. Alexis just told this T off, and that she didn't know a thing, and to stick her degree where the sun doesn't shine. I am putting this nicely because it was on the vulgar side. So much for this 4th T knowing how to handle DID clients. I had a 3rd, and final appointment with this T because I felt like I deserved an answer. She told me that it was me who sent that email. Well, ummmm, yes it was my body but as far as me, no it was Alexis. When I asked for an explanation of why she felt the need to drop me, she told me that I was resistant to her suggestions. I told her I don't even know what her suggestions were because I switched. I told this T that from now on, she really should not work with clients who have any type of dissociative issues because the way she handled me, that for someone else could have been devastating. I also told her that I know I do not have the mildest form of DID but I also wasn't the worse case scenario of it either.
Alexis comes off very "in your face". She doesn't know who she can trust, and not trust. Medical professionals, and especially Ts usually get the brunt of her. She figures if she can "run" them off, and cause them to not allow us to come back, well she has done her job. I guess in the long run, Alexis has really protected us a lot from medical professionals that may not be so great to work with, or could possibly do us a lot of harm. I know with my current T, Alexis has tried to "run" her off. Well my T is pretty spunky, and doesn't scare easy. I am glad. Now Alexis doesn't act up so much with her. She does come out, and talks to my T letting her know what is going on inside. Alexis has been a valuable help.
I was debating about integrating, especially with some of the recent activity that has been going on. After writing here, maybe I just need to reexamine things. Every one of my alters are there for a reason. Whether they are good or bad, either way they are there. I haven't figured out yet how to help those who do more damage. Maybe I just need to allow them time to come out in a safe place. Maybe T would be the best place for that to happen. It scares me because I still lose time, and if one of the worst ones come out, I'm afraid of what they will say. None of my alters have ever harmed anyone. I am really glad about that. I don't know if its because I have morals about not harming others. I do know when I was in the early stage of being diagnosed with DID that I announced to them all that if they harmed anyone on the outside, it would cause every single one of us to be in trouble, and end up some place we did not want to go. They can say what they want but no physical harm can be done. Well it has worked. So I guess there is some cooperation going on. I wish there was a whole lot more.
I will be so glad when things aren't at the place they are now. It's hard to deal with, especially when you have to face a past that is haunting, and scary.
Until alters are able to express, talk about, get out, process how they came to be, well life will be chaotic for a while. Every alter holds a "job" within a system. Not all alters are good, or kind. I never could understand how I could have "bad" alters in my system. What I am finding out is that the "bad" alters are just as important as the "good" alters. The "bad" alters will possibly be more protective, usually a bully to the others inside, and possibly to the outside world as well. The thing about the "bad" alters is that they took that part of the trauma that the original person couldn't contain, or was too much for them. The "bad" alter may be reenacting what took place so long ago because it is the only way they know how to express themselves or get the pain out. From my understanding of things, according to my T, until the "bad" alters are allowed to have a voice, it will be this way for awhile.
It bothers me that I have "bad" alters who do relive what ever happened in the past. It takes a horrible toll on me. But I also know that when these "bad" alters are allowed to express themselves, and be heard, that things seem to calm down. I have one alter, Alexis, who is very protective. She is 16, and is every part of a typical, mouthy teenager. She does everything in her power to make sure that we all stay safe. She has scared off a T, the 4th T. The T told me she had worked with clients who had DID before, with much success. Looking back, I am really glad that Alexis did scare her off because this T wanted to do particular things as part of treatment that I have been so scared of. This T wouldn't listen to me when I told her that certain places, and people triggered us horrible. So Alexis took care of business. No she did not physically harm the T or threaten her. Alexis sent this T an email. I had no knowledge of what happened till I got an email from this T saying she didn't think it was going to work. I was really confused at first of why the change because I had only seen her twice, and she seemed pretty okay with working with me. She knew I was DID so I just figured that with her proclaiming how good she was, that this would be a good match. HA, that is further from the truth. I had also interviewed her, and felt pretty confident that she would work from her answers she gave.
When I did some investigating, my email file, I found what had been sent. Alexis just told this T off, and that she didn't know a thing, and to stick her degree where the sun doesn't shine. I am putting this nicely because it was on the vulgar side. So much for this 4th T knowing how to handle DID clients. I had a 3rd, and final appointment with this T because I felt like I deserved an answer. She told me that it was me who sent that email. Well, ummmm, yes it was my body but as far as me, no it was Alexis. When I asked for an explanation of why she felt the need to drop me, she told me that I was resistant to her suggestions. I told her I don't even know what her suggestions were because I switched. I told this T that from now on, she really should not work with clients who have any type of dissociative issues because the way she handled me, that for someone else could have been devastating. I also told her that I know I do not have the mildest form of DID but I also wasn't the worse case scenario of it either.
Alexis comes off very "in your face". She doesn't know who she can trust, and not trust. Medical professionals, and especially Ts usually get the brunt of her. She figures if she can "run" them off, and cause them to not allow us to come back, well she has done her job. I guess in the long run, Alexis has really protected us a lot from medical professionals that may not be so great to work with, or could possibly do us a lot of harm. I know with my current T, Alexis has tried to "run" her off. Well my T is pretty spunky, and doesn't scare easy. I am glad. Now Alexis doesn't act up so much with her. She does come out, and talks to my T letting her know what is going on inside. Alexis has been a valuable help.
I was debating about integrating, especially with some of the recent activity that has been going on. After writing here, maybe I just need to reexamine things. Every one of my alters are there for a reason. Whether they are good or bad, either way they are there. I haven't figured out yet how to help those who do more damage. Maybe I just need to allow them time to come out in a safe place. Maybe T would be the best place for that to happen. It scares me because I still lose time, and if one of the worst ones come out, I'm afraid of what they will say. None of my alters have ever harmed anyone. I am really glad about that. I don't know if its because I have morals about not harming others. I do know when I was in the early stage of being diagnosed with DID that I announced to them all that if they harmed anyone on the outside, it would cause every single one of us to be in trouble, and end up some place we did not want to go. They can say what they want but no physical harm can be done. Well it has worked. So I guess there is some cooperation going on. I wish there was a whole lot more.
I will be so glad when things aren't at the place they are now. It's hard to deal with, especially when you have to face a past that is haunting, and scary.
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