Tuesday, April 17, 2018

Dealing with Spiritual Abuse While in Grad School

Being a graduate student can be downright tiring, especially in a program to become a mental health therapist. I never realized before I started this program how draining it would be. I have discovered that in a graduate clinical mental health program, there is a requirement that students are to be vulnerable when writing their papers.

Friday, March 30, 2018

When Easter Is Triggering

I'm supposed to be working on a clinical case write-up on a suicidal "client" for a class assignment. Instead, my thoughts are stuck on the upcoming holiday. Depending on a person's ethnic/culture this will either be Easter or Resurrection Sunday which follows the Christian faith.

Tuesday, March 20, 2018

Sitting With Your Emotions--What Does That Mean?

I have survived this week. I'm in the process of creating a power point presentation on DID. The first part of this week was intense.

Tuesday, March 6, 2018

Planning Intensity in Therapy

Well things are starting to get intense again. I go through phases where things are mellow and then other times, it is so intense. Thankfully I've learned how to maneuver through those intense times by getting the extra support without ending up in a psych unit.

Saturday, March 3, 2018

New Things Happening

I have exciting news and yet scary news all wrapped up in the bundle of my life.

Saturday, February 24, 2018

Grief Pushed Me Towards Seeing a Therapist

Sometimes I just have no idea if I am coming or going. My life is pretty busy with grad school, my family, and where I volunteer my time. There are just days that going through life is difficult and a process.

Tuesday, February 20, 2018

The mom's birthday

Today is a tough day for me. It is the mom's birthday. The last five or six years, we no longer celebrated the mom's birthday because it was just too much drama. We kept birthdays as low key as possible because I didn't want her interfering. Today feels so much different. I think part of what is going on is simply because it is the mom's birthday. In the past, I always hated when birthdays rolled around, especially hers or mine. If it was my birthday, I would cringe because if I didn't have that over-the-moon happy response/reaction with whatever she got me, then she would turn into a tyrant. If it was her birthday and you forgot, didn't get her something she considered worthwhile, or just dropped off her present without it being wrapped nicely, then she would have a pity party and would become very angry.

During my birthday, she constantly told me year after year that if "you don't like what I got you then you could give it to me." I don't know if this was an attempt to make me feel guilty if I didn't like the present she gave me or what she was thinking. Whatever the case, I got fed up with hearing her guilty statement. The last time she told me that, I was no longer around her. The last time she declared her annual birthday statement, I told her she could just keep the present since she obviously wanted it more than I did. She got offended and said, "FINE! I won't get you anything else!" Well didn't hurt my feelings at ALL! In fact, I can't tell you how relieved I was not to hear that blasted birthday statement any longer. Well sure enough, when birthdays rolled around, she never said one word to me.

After she died, I had to sort through her things, trying to find out if she had any type of burial/funeral insurance because, at that point, all I knew was I was going to have to fork out the money if I didn't find anything. I didn't find any burial insurance and most of what I did find was junk. She had box after box of plastic containers, some dry goods like beans and rice, she had some crotched items, and she had some religious material that I would consider to be a type of "cult". When she was alive, she was on disability and was sending this religious "cult" outrageous amounts of money. What I did not realize, just how triggered I was when I found the material from this religious "cult". I'm talking stacks and stacks of material and books. I did not realize just how much seeing this stuff was going to trigger me. I had a horrible urge to shred it all because I didn't want anyone else to be exposed to this "cult".

The other thing I found that really bothered me was when I was looking through her calendars. She no longer had my birthday marked down. She completely had written me off all because I didn't want her to get me a gift one year. Not only did she write me off but my oldest brother, she had written off as well. His birthday wasn't marked down either. The only one I found whose birthday was marked down was the middle brother, who was also one of my perpetrators. She always idealized him, so why should I be surprised.

I guess I'm just hurting because of this day, the reminder it brings. I'm left with reminders of how I had a horrible person who gave birth to me and raised me in some of the worst conditions around. I had a horrible person who demanded absolute loyalty to her or she wrote you off. I had a horrible person who made me suffer because she brought me into this world.

One of these days, I hope it will get better.